| Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time. |
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| Ron; Weed |
[13 Dec 2008|01:44pm] |
Yesterday, I woke up early to shower, and to take a final quiz for Ethics. Also to finish my final paper for Ethics.
Ron promised to come over in the morning, to keep me company before we went to dinner/ The Nutcracker. He said he would start showering at 9, go see his dad for his birthday for a while, and then drive up here to meet me around 10:30. He hadn't called, or shown up. And it was already 10:30. I was sleepy and wanted to nap, but wanted to wait up for him since he seemed to eager to see me, as I was to see him. And so I called him at 10:30 to see where he was.
He was asleep. He fell back asleep after we had spoken at 9am. I was so crushed, so upset, not because I'm insane (though I know I am) but because I was remembering before. The hours he spent now picking up his phone, leaving me to wait at work, him promising to pick me up because it was cold and snowing, and then having to walk 15 minutes to the bus station and being sad that he hadn't been considerate enough to at least set an alarm. Then being at home, and not getting a call until the night, in which he would explain he simply fell asleep and that he was sorry but it wasn't his fault.
That happened several times. I could not count on him.
When he picked up the phone, with his sleepy voice, I was upset. He at least, picked up my phone call I thought, and had not put his phone, inconsiderably, on silent. But I was disappointed that he seemed to not have made the effort to see me, when he has been trying so hard the past few months to make me happy and to see him in a new light.
But then I did. He cried. On the phone. Asking I forgive him for falling asleep. To make it seem like it was before. I hung up still sad, and went to bed because I was tired from staying up so late from finals. And Ron showed up. A couple of hours later, showered. He saw his dad. And he brought me a card with the longest note in the world, apologizing, not only for the small incident of the day, but for everything. Everything that's happened between us. He brought me candy too, and sent me an email, apologizing.
It was so wonderful. So refreshing. Something he wouldn't have done before, and it made me so so happy.
He even dressed up for me. To go see the Nutcracker
We went to the Paragon for dinner with Christian. A bunch of people bailed on us, more people were supposed to go. It was nice though. And then Nutcracker at PPAC was ok. I didn't really like the beginning. And then dancing was well done, but the choreography was very simple. I was expecting a more spectacular performance. Brandon told me it was more of an amateaur set of dancers, which is probably why it wasn't as spectacular as I was assuming.
Ron and I had to leave the Nutcracker about ten minutes before it ended, I had forgotten I had gotten tickets for my brother to see Redman and Methodman at Lupos when I got tickets for Nutcracker, but I didn't want to break my promise to my brother.
I'm so glad Ron went with me, or I it would have been a LONG night. It was long to begin with. It was the "still high" tour, and EVERYONE around us was smoking weed. And not discreetly at all. The three opening acts were pretty bad. Methodman and Redman weren't terrible. But even if I liked the music, I will never go to another rap concert again, because the atmosphere was irritating. It was so different from concerts I usually go to.
I danced anyway. Tried to emerge myself into the new experience. And I didn't want to act like I hated being there, because it would have made my brother's time miserable. So I danced with Ron a bit.
He was a bit irritated at the concert too, but he was a great sport about it. He even told me that he would rather be at a bad concert with me than comfortable at home alone or with anyone else. It made it very comforting to have him there, and I love how comfortable he has been making me feel lately. He's the sweetest guy in the world.
My brother had a great time. And when we got back to my place at around 1:30 am we watched Kenan and Kel before we fell asleep.
Cain is coming back from France today! I can't wait to see her! :D
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| Hedgehogs; Dr. Landen |
[11 Dec 2008|01:16pm] |
My seminar teacher was VERY mean to me.
During the beginning of the semester, she told me she was concerned because I wasn't participating as much as I should. I agreed. It is a seminar class. So for the second half of the semester, I tried my hardest to participate. And I have been participating.
She tells me that, not only have I not been participating enough (Yet, I talk as much as everyone else) but that I do OTHER HOMEWORK in her class. But I don't. I look through the book WE'RE reading to find quotes because she says I NEVER PARTICIPATE.
So she gave me a C for participation.
And she's probably going to give me a C for the class.
I'm so sad, and angry, and upset I can't even deal. She is completely unfair all because she doesn't like me because she's Mrs. Science/Philosophy. Sorry I don't do science, DEAR.
I was tearing up during my oral exam yesterday when she told me. And I explained that she wanted me to participate and I have, and I haven't been doing homework, it's just sometimes I have nothing to say and I need to look in the book for responses or to point out things that prove what people are saying.
Otherwise, I'm getting As in everything else.
And I spoke to my Creative Writing professor again. He gave me a few choice novels and stories he likes for me to read, like "Blindness" Will's favorite book. He also said he really wants me to consider an MFA in creative writing, and to see him a lot next semester so we can talk about it furhur and to keep in touch during break (send stories I write, tell him what I thought of Blindness and the other works he recommended, etc)
Which was an immediate upper to the dredful oral exam session, which didn't go well because I was so upset at how unfair she was.
If I get a C in seminar, I am going to die.
Ron made me feel better. He bought me insane Barret's Alehouse nachos. Yet he has no money. Like nothing. He had to spend it all on fixing his car, because it didn't start the other day and we had to push it out of the driveway. I really appreciated how determined he was to buy them for me. I have been craving them for days and they made the day a whole lot better. :) <3
It's Brandon's and Christian's birthday today. (Happy Birthday you crazy homos! :P )
Tomorrow we're going out to dinner with a bunch of friends then we're going to see The Nutcracker at PPAC and RIGHT after that I have to see "Redman and Methodman" at Lupos with my brother. I bought him tickets as a birthday present.
Saturday is bowling for Brandon's birthday and then clubbing at Mira with Christian at night. So it should be fun despite all the work I still have to do.
Ron and I have decided I should get a Hedgehog. I really want one. They're so cute.
And I want to name him the name of a God. Something that sounds cool, but which I can shorten to a cutsey name.
If anyone has suggestions on what to name my future Hedghog, comment please :D
Edit:
I'm thinking one of the following names:
Merlin
Casper
Reginald Gideon Crosswell
Fenrir Greyback
Igor
Friedrick Nietzsche
Jaques Cousteau
Thursday
Voldemort
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| Pandora; Pandora |
[09 Dec 2008|07:06pm] |
Pandora is great.
But it's trying to kill me
By playing the most depressing songs ever.
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine (repeat 3 times)
This song is too beautiful. Everytime I hear it I cry.
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| AIM (sometimes); Doing work at work |
[08 Dec 2008|02:25pm] |
I don't think you could have said anything sweeter.
And your realization is something I thought would never come.
We were taking small, little steps. But we've just leap over the brush, over the thorns in the right direction.
We still have a long way to go, but it puts me at ease. It gives me hope.
Thank you.
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| Zombies; Anything that is "finals" or rhymes with "finals" (yes, even vinyls) |
[04 Dec 2008|10:54pm] |
Yesterday was zombies.
And the only good ones were watching Dawn of the Dead with Ron.
Finals are killing me. Raping me in the face. All I have are headaches.
But MSI is tomorrow!
And The Nutcracker next week.
Tomorrow is last day of classes, and next week are finals.
I have only papers. And it blows.
I'm working full time next week, 8-4 30, but I have Wednesday and Friday off for final things.
I think I'll try and convince Ron to go to the RISD museum with me on Wednesday.
It's cold in here. But Ron took the trash out for me yesterday, even brought the barrel from the front to the backyeard, so at least it smells not gross.
<3
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| Savers, RISD; Headaches |
[02 Dec 2008|09:48pm] |
I found an old Bible at Savers today. Its all tattered, worn, and looks like its been drenched. Its at least as old as the late 1800s because there are several obituaries from newspapers dated 1893 and such in it. There are a lot of interesting clippings like that, its really cool. And only a dollar. There are also dates of weddings and funeral and Sunday school. I think it was a priest's.Which makes me think, why did they just give it to Savers?
I have a headache from shopping ><
I'm excited to go to the RISD museum with Ron. I haven't been yet!
:D
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| Pie; Being too busy to eat it |
[01 Dec 2008|02:48pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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The guy, second in command, who is filling in for my former boss (who everyone hopes returns) brought home made apple pie and apple crisp to work. Is he doing it because he wants to butter us up? Get us to like him more than my old boss? Seems kind of juvenile. I don't acre either way. It's good pie. Too bad I'm too busy at work to finish my piece.
Funny, how I notice that I haven't seen Leigh in a long time. He's in the office today after I haven't seen him in months. He says he's good. He's different. His hair is longish, and he seems a bit worn out. He asked me how I was, I said good, of course. And we sort of talked about what we did for the holidays. I couldn't talk to him much though, seeing as I'm so busy and we were talking at my desk, which is in the middle of the office. I'm glad I got to see him though.
It's the last week of classes. I have a lot of final work to get through. For seminar, a 8 page paper and an oral exam. For Phenomenology, a 20 page paper. For Ethics, a 5 page paper. For Modern, a take home exam and a five page paper. As well as editing all my short stories for creative writing. I really want to do well and edit them to almost perfection, so EC is proud of me. I should start reading the Saunders book he loaned me...
I have been writing this entry for half an hour. A minute here or there between work. Which is why this entry may seem repetative or piecey.
I'm paperclipiing packets of articles and maps together. How exciting.
A bit of company would be nice...
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| Friends; Family |
[30 Nov 2008|02:33pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Ron bought me a laptop.
Its the sweetest most generous gift anyone has ever given me, not just because its a laptop, but because he realizes its something I need. And he hates spending money. And because now, he's broke, after spending all that money fixing his car and buying this for me. Its better than his computer. It's amazing. But mostly, the gesture, the timing, the everything, is what makes this gift so special. And I can't express how much this gift means to me, how much I appreciate it. Not having to wrap my adapter chord around my laptop just so it stays plugged in, never having to worry about my laptop randomly shutting off in the middle of me doing something important, and on top of everything, so much faster and prettier and more efficient. He even bought me 2 extra gigs of ram, just so its very very fast.
I absolutely love it.
The least I could do was buy him dinner and a movie, since he's been spending money, not only on my laptop, but buying me food, gas to give me rides, and random fun things, such as the cutest stuffed dragon I've come to name Rupert.
We went on a double date with Christian and Adam last Tuesday. It was so much fun. Nachos and we watched Changeling, which was quite good, despite the fact it was so long. Director's just don't know when to cut it, do they? :P
____________________________
I had a dream last night, that Leigh died.
In the dream I remember being very upset, mostly because I hadn't spoken to him in ages, and then he was just gone.
It was Ron who sparked this. I guess since I hadn't mentioned Leigh in a long time, he asked me if I still spoke to him. I hadn't even thought about it, how I don't speak with him much anymore. Not because we aren't friends, but because he's never around the office anymore. He's always out on a job. I don't think I've spoken him properly since August. I haven't seen him in the office for two months. Last thing we spoke about was his hair, I think. I remember complimenting it on him letting it grow, but he was saying that its only growing out because he has no time or money to get a proper haircut.
I've spoke to him on the phone once in a while, when he calls to talk to my boss or one of the employees. He always asks me whats going on, how's school, have I been well. I say nothing, good, and yes just because I know I have no time to tell him the truth. Because he doesn't have time to talk to me about it. And I would love his advice on everything that's beengoing on with me, as someone older, who I trust, and whose a friend. But I don't want to bother him. If he's calling the office, its something important, and I can't be a distraction.
But I'm working full time for Christmas break and hopefully we'll have time to talk then.
_______________________________
My mom and I had a little fight. I felt unappreciated because she doesn't seem to acknowledge when I do anything nice for her and then tells me that I do nothing to help her out.
It's weird because we're talking now, like nothing happened. This is as close to an apology I will ever get from my mother. Usually, she just stays angry until I apologize. So we're moving ahead, I suppose.
______________________________
I also dreamed about those holiday spice truffles at Lindt. Christian, dear, you HAVE to get me some more of those. :P
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| Fiction; Reality |
[24 Nov 2008|01:10pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished/ on edge |
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I spoke with my creative writing teacher this morning.
He told me that I have a lot of talent, and that I really should persue a carrer in creative writing! He spoke about how I had such a unique voice, and that while a lot of people enjoy writing, very few have a talent for it and that I have a talent for it. He also talked about how he wants to help me choose a good graduate program in creative writing and get an MFA in creative writing, that I should continue writing next semester and continue to show him my work.
We spoke for half an hour. About writing, about our favorite writers and works. His favorite novel is "Blindness" and he talked about how I should read it. We talked about my heritage, which is how Blindness came up, because it's by a Portuguese writer. He also gave me a couple of his short stories to read as well as a book with a few shot stories by George Saunders, and he wants to meet with me again to discuss the stories.
I'm really excited! Though I have been praised for artwork and some work in philosophy, I have never been told by a teacher that I MUST persue a career in either of them, nevermind writing! And it's fantastic to have another option when deciding what I should do for grad school when I take the year off. He too said that taking a year off was a good idea, because then, outside of school and outside of college experience, I will get great subjects for my stories.
______________________________________
On another note, my boss was arrested today. We don't know why. Everyone at the office just got a call this morning saying he was arrested.
I really don't know how to act in this on-edge environment. And I don't know what to make of it, since school has been encompassing my life. They say that it must be because what has been going on. But I don't even know whats been going on.
But you're always condemned for being a radical liberal and for protesting workers rights, especially when you're very passionate about it. At least, from what I've witnessed in the past few years working here...
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| BJ Novak; New England Weather |
[22 Nov 2008|07:20pm] |
It's FREEZING out.
Last night, BJ Novak came to PC and I went to see him at the Peterson Center with Ron, Will, my brother, Alex, and Ottman.
He was AMAZING! He was SO funny, and charming. He did several "That's what she said" jokes, was very enthused to be in his hometown area (Bostonish) and did a question and answer session afterwards!
I asked him to do push-ups, like Kelly likes it when Ryan does, and he did some on stage! :D
It was absolutely awesome.
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| Dresden Dolls; Morning Eye-goo |
[20 Nov 2008|02:17pm] |
I got an A on my Ethics exam.
My phenomenology paper on Proust's "Swann's Way" was SO easy to write and I made great connections I know Dr. Costello will love.
And my creative writing teacher wants to talk to me in his office and he wants me to bring my work. Hopefully its a good thing.
The other person in the class he asked to do that he did because he wanted to help them get published because he loved his writing. Thats what Liz said anyway. Today during workshop my teacher said I had such a distinct voice.
I'm so nervous!
the Perfect Fit- Dresden Dolls
I could make a dress,
a robe fit for a prince.
I could clothe a continent,
but i can't sew a stitch.
I can paint my face,
and stand very very still.
It's not very practical,
but it still pays the bills.
I can't change my name,
but I could be your type.
I can dance and win at games
like Backgammon and Life.
I used to be the smart one,
sharp as a tack.
Funny 'bout how skipping years ahead
has held me back.
I used to be the bright one,
top in my class.
Funny what they give you when you
just learn how to ask.
I can write a song,
but I can't sing in key.
I can play piano,
but I never learned to read.
I can't trap a mouse,
but I can pet a cat.
No, I'm really serious!
I'm really very good at that.
I can't fix a car,
but I can fix a flat.
I could fix a lot of things,
but I'd rather not get into that.
I used to be the bright one,
Smart as a whip.
Funny how you slip so far when
teachers don't keep track of it.
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| Sleeping; Homework |
[17 Nov 2008|04:08pm] |
I fell asleep last night so I couldn't finish my Modern Paper.
Now I'm going to rush to do it.
I not only missed my due date, but my extension.
I've never asked for an extension, nevermind handed a paper in late even with the extension.
What's the matter with me?
AND
I'm STILL tired.
After sleeping a million hours.
And I have a headache that won't go away.
And I don't know how I'm going to get this paper done and still have time for the rest of my homework feeling this way.
UGH ><
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| Easy-goingness; Those who aren't |
[16 Nov 2008|08:23pm] |
So Alex apologized. I sent him a nice but stern facebook message and he apologized to no end. And not only that, but he thanked me for telling him how I was feeling because he didn't realize what he was doing, and that he also felt bad for abusing our hospitality all the time, and not just last night.
That makes me feel much better.
However, I wish people wouldn't be so angry all the time. I know I have expressed anger, but I'm not usually angry. Unless something gets really out of control, I'm usually pretty laid-back.
And I wish everything was just chill.
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| Hypocritical Clique; My family |
[16 Nov 2008|05:29pm] |
I need to STOP hanging out with everyone.
By everyone I mean Alex, Andrew, Ottman, and their friends.
They're driving me INSANE. Because they think they can just invite not only themselves, but their friends over to sleep over.
Last night at the club, it was fun. But at night it was disasterous, and I was so furious that Alex just assumed his friend could stay over without asking me or anyone at our house, I just laid in my bed and let them chitter chatter until they felt the need to leave (without saying good bye, mind you, and I'm the one getting shit on and doing them a million favors.)
Liz and Ron and Brandon are my compadres.
In other news, my whole family are a bunch of the most ignorant people in the world.
My mother is depressed because she feels bad for Paul, her soon to be ex husband, because he keeps texting her because he has no food and wants money. Except he makes more than her and has no kids to support, and she has my brother and herself to support and she's doing fine. Well, she's dealing. But she feels the need to feel bad for him even though he's probably using all his money to buy drugs and porn.
My aunt continually talks about her hair, her jewlry, and doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything. Just wether she looks fat or looks pretty or young.
I asked my uncle today who he voted for, if he didn't mind telling me, and he said McCain. I told him I thought Obama was better, especially considering McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. And his repsone was?
"Well, I'm republican."
That's FANTASTIC Uncle Helder. Choose a presidential candidate because they're your party's candidate. It makes me so angry at his ignorance, I can hardly stand it.
Then he has the nerve to try to convince me that I'm WRONG about Descartes circular logic about proving the existence of God. Ok dude, I'm a fucking philosophy major, you took ONE CLASS like what? 100 years ago? And you're trying to prove that you know more about philosophy and know more than me because A) you're older, and B) you're smarter than me because I'm a girl, right? UGH.
I. Can't. Handle. This.
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| Red & Yellow; Schoolwork |
[14 Nov 2008|12:27pm] |
I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I've been trying to grab hold of whats left of my life.
I'm not applying to grad school. I know some people are going to be mad at me for it, but honestly, its one of the best decisions I've ever made.
I'm not ready for grad school. I'm already burnt out from college and I haven't even graduated yet.
But I'll be working in Providence. Probably at the same job. I asked my boss and it looks like a possibility. Though he said he wanted to get through the rest of my school year first to see what was going on and then decide.
I would take a class at Brown. A playwriting class, or just a regular writing class. Maybe an interesting philosophy class if they have something specialized, like a class solely on Nietzsche.
But I've been catching up. Rapidly too. I studied for my Ethics exam yesterday instead of going out. I studied a lot, and I feel like I did very well. I don't even think I needed to study that much.
Lots of plans for the upcoming few days and weeks. Of course, doing a lot of homework, but also celebrating my brother's 16th birthday this Sunday. Going out tomorrow night with Christian's WONDERFUL new boyfriend and my friends. BJ Novak is coming to PC next Friday and I have tickets to that. MSI concert at the beginning of December. Theatre stuff. So I'm keeping busy. I like being busy, with both work and fun things.
Ron and I are talking and seeing each other a lot. I really missed him. Its just nice to be able to talk about things that are bothering me and have him understand. He wants me back. He keeps telling me that hes going to do whatever it takes to get me back because he wants no one but me. He's been very sweet. He's bought me a rose and chocolates and food several times. Its different. Better. And I'm letting him because he is trying. I can tell. And even if we don't get back together. I'm just glad I didn't lose a best friend. It is going to have to be different, if we get back together. We need time. We both made insane decisions while we were apart and now were just trying to mend everything. Time is key. Time heals 90% of things.
Until then we're hanging out. And it makes me happy.
I'm very grateful for this cup of warm coffee and white chocolate/ macadamia nut cookie. Its rainy and chilly and I desire the dry warmth of my bed and snuggling.
I pass by this beautiful tree near our apartment every time I walk to class. Its bright red. And the leaves are falling and no one rakes, so the ground is covered in a sheet of bright bright red, and it amazes me that something so natural can produce such a color. Next to it is another beautiful tree, but yellow. And around it, yellow leaves are spilled and cover the cement. And I like walking through the red leaves, and look at my feet, watching the red mix with the yellow, and then become just yellow.
Its absolutely beautiful.
I hope everyone is well. I'm sorry for not being commenty to your posts. I've been quite busy/ not myself.
PS The titles of my journal entries will from now on name something I like/love and then something I hate, separated by a semi-colon.
This is more to remind myself to inform anyone.
Cheers
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| I've got this feeling that theres something that I've missed... |
[11 Nov 2008|11:14pm] |
"This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most"
-Dashboard Confessional
"Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Woooohh
Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see
Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Woooohh
Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see
Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream
But I'd rather not have seen
And i'll hide away for another day
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can"
-Zero 7
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[03 Nov 2008|02:32pm] |
Some Halloween photos. Stolen from my friend Chris, who I met through Alex. :)
( Halloweeeeeen! )
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| Halloween was fun! |
[02 Nov 2008|10:30pm] |
We had a great time at our party and I went out last night as well. :D
This is a picture of Alex and Will. Will made the BEST Joker EVER. I'm so glad he made his Joker costume more original.
I'll post more pictures later, maybe.
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penguin_pastier's journal
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